Enough is Enough!? (Part 2)

Linda paused for a second and then continued amidst our collective silence, “What about the drinking and the physical abuse when he’s stressed out? The same man who claimed to love you in one breath would find within him to hit you in the next? Remember the black eye on my daughter’s 1st birthday, when I told you all I’d missed a step and fallen? I lied!!

When is enough, enough? Is it till I am infected with HIV after he’s been with different women that I could then be released for this contract of marriage? Was the contract not broken the minute he had slept with another that was not his wife? Or would it be after he had fathered a child outside of our marriage (and that’s the one I got to find out about and not the ones I don’t know or would never know about).
I got no support for my dreams like I did for his; mine were nothing but “little hobbies” to keep me occupied and not a real career that required time and energy to concentrate and develop. I was a non person because he  expected a housewife for ever and not for a season

I am sure we had many a good times, but now I cannot remember them, I had reached my enough ladies! To you I should pray and ask God for help… I did and still do, but first I needed to accept and identify what was wrong and break out of a mind of denial, shame and hopelessness. I am fighting now for my sanity, I can not let depression step in to my life yet again after battling for years to the point where death looked so attractive that I welcomed its bleak finality twice in our marriage. No more!!! My life is worth more than being just his wife or their mother, there is more to me than that. Though you choose to call me selfish, maybe I am, but I reckon it’s time to think about myself because Enough is Enough!!”

Linda carefully wiped her eyes, picked up her bag and calmly walked out of the restaurant with a stride I had never seen her in before, some would call it a swagger.

RefinedOne (my first geisha contributor)

…so when is enough, enough for you? Each person’s threshold is different so don’t judge another too harshly. Linda is my first geishawife…..can you be my next?

MIRROR, MIRROR, ON THE WALL…….(ask your next question)

When we adorn ourselves each day with our best finery to suit the occasion, we stand in front of a glass sheet and ask a question;

Self: “How do I look?”

Self: “Damn sexy!!:-)”

We walk away and come back after a few minutes and ask another question;

Self: “How will everyone think I look?”

Self: “Maybe I should change these earrings, they look too gaudy for this outfit, or maybe this shade of red lipstick makes me look like a tart, or these dress is a little too short…..”

…………the list grows, the longer we look!!!

A mirror has two faces; a reflection of your physical appearance and a reflection of your heart’s condition.  We walk around daily with the mirror’s reflection of our insecurities introduced by a mother, a father, a brother, sister, friend and unfortunately most times, a lover! I’ve had two very special men in my life; one said I wasn’t the fairest amongst all and the other said I was as beautiful as I thought I was.

“As a man thinketh in his heart, so he is” (Proverbs 23:7)……thank God I finally believe neither because they are flesh and as such not infallible! But the one who was as close in definition as the Master remains in my heart forever! Selah! (;);))

 

I WANT THAT GUY!!!!!

“Maybe I don’t want the Tall, Dark & Handsome dude the romantic novels create in our memories from our teenage years…maybe I don’t want the zing of lust that is often confused with love….maybe I want the steady feel of a man’s strength when he holds me, the comfort of knowing that he will be there as long as I need him to be, the joy of being needed by this same strong person, the warmth of his very soul that ignites within me every dream, every passion I ever had, the knowing that we share a love for the one who is Awesome and Creator of the Universe…maybe that’s more than enough!!!
I sat here today and thought about my ‘friend’ in the last few years and I tried to describe what he gave me while I wondered what was missing. I often had this feeling that I couldn’t shake, that sometimes left me unsettled and never able to completely relax within… Then I realised it was because he gave me these things accidentally, not willingly….he gave them to me because deep down inside he was/is “That Guy” but he withheld the permission to truly enjoy them because it wasn’t given deliberately….

THAT GUY is brave enough to wear his heart on his sleeve even for a moment, a season, a lifetime, THAT GUY is not afraid to be vulnerable enough to need me, THAT GUY loves God first so he can love another just like He…….so without shame I declare “I WANT THAT GUY!!!!”

I CAN DO BAD ALL BY MYSELF!!!

I was 16 when I met my ex-spouse, married him at 23 and spent the last two decades and a bit swinging between the decision to love ‘for better or for worse’ and the tiny little voice that often talked about all the little things I missed out on because I married early, most especially in the very interesting World of Dating!!!…..

There, I said it and I didn’t die from the shock of finally admitting that maybe I wanted to experience the thrill of Mr Tall, Dark & Handsome like the romantic novels described, or I wanted to experience being picked up by a stranger at a bar and having wild, uninhibited sex all night without a thought of what will be tomorrow or the days after, or maybe I just wanted to be somebody’s mistress without the stress of dirty socks, dirty underwear, cleaning house, having children underfoot and losing my size 10 figure with stretch marks to booth!(Geishas seem to have all the fun I tell ya! Hehehehe!) Maybe I would have enjoyed going on exotic holidays, meeting great people and making new friends while pretending that there are no strings attached when I know that in life every relationship comes with a ball of strings so thick it could tie you up for years…

There are many maybes, many secret fantasies and desires, many opportunities to look at life and love through the lens of right and wrong and decide to choose wrong sometimes while taking a chance that you’ll live to regret it! But still I’ve learnt that there is still time…..as long as there is life, the ability to laugh at oneself, the desire to pray and the bravery to love without condition…there is TIME!!!

Through it all God’s mercy has kept me even though I haven’t always deserved it but I’m proud to say that I’m human just like the rest of the world, with even crazier fantasies than most and finally able to shout out loud “Keep your judgments to yourselves people, ‘cos I can certainly do bad all by myself”