I WANT THAT GUY!!!!!

“Maybe I don’t want the Tall, Dark & Handsome dude the romantic novels create in our memories from our teenage years…maybe I don’t want the zing of lust that is often confused with love….maybe I want the steady feel of a man’s strength when he holds me, the comfort of knowing that he will be there as long as I need him to be, the joy of being needed by this same strong person, the warmth of his very soul that ignites within me every dream, every passion I ever had, the knowing that we share a love for the one who is Awesome and Creator of the Universe…maybe that’s more than enough!!!
I sat here today and thought about my ‘friend’ in the last few years and I tried to describe what he gave me while I wondered what was missing. I often had this feeling that I couldn’t shake, that sometimes left me unsettled and never able to completely relax within… Then I realised it was because he gave me these things accidentally, not willingly….he gave them to me because deep down inside he was/is “That Guy” but he withheld the permission to truly enjoy them because it wasn’t given deliberately….

THAT GUY is brave enough to wear his heart on his sleeve even for a moment, a season, a lifetime, THAT GUY is not afraid to be vulnerable enough to need me, THAT GUY loves God first so he can love another just like He…….so without shame I declare “I WANT THAT GUY!!!!”

I CAN DO BAD ALL BY MYSELF!!!

I was 16 when I met my ex-spouse, married him at 23 and spent the last two decades and a bit swinging between the decision to love ‘for better or for worse’ and the tiny little voice that often talked about all the little things I missed out on because I married early, most especially in the very interesting World of Dating!!!…..

There, I said it and I didn’t die from the shock of finally admitting that maybe I wanted to experience the thrill of Mr Tall, Dark & Handsome like the romantic novels described, or I wanted to experience being picked up by a stranger at a bar and having wild, uninhibited sex all night without a thought of what will be tomorrow or the days after, or maybe I just wanted to be somebody’s mistress without the stress of dirty socks, dirty underwear, cleaning house, having children underfoot and losing my size 10 figure with stretch marks to booth!(Geishas seem to have all the fun I tell ya! Hehehehe!) Maybe I would have enjoyed going on exotic holidays, meeting great people and making new friends while pretending that there are no strings attached when I know that in life every relationship comes with a ball of strings so thick it could tie you up for years…

There are many maybes, many secret fantasies and desires, many opportunities to look at life and love through the lens of right and wrong and decide to choose wrong sometimes while taking a chance that you’ll live to regret it! But still I’ve learnt that there is still time…..as long as there is life, the ability to laugh at oneself, the desire to pray and the bravery to love without condition…there is TIME!!!

Through it all God’s mercy has kept me even though I haven’t always deserved it but I’m proud to say that I’m human just like the rest of the world, with even crazier fantasies than most and finally able to shout out loud “Keep your judgments to yourselves people, ‘cos I can certainly do bad all by myself”