I CAN DO BAD ALL BY MYSELF!!!

I was 16 when I met my ex-spouse, married him at 23 and spent the last two decades and a bit swinging between the decision to love ‘for better or for worse’ and the tiny little voice that often talked about all the little things I missed out on because I married early, most especially in the very interesting World of Dating!!!…..

There, I said it and I didn’t die from the shock of finally admitting that maybe I wanted to experience the thrill of Mr Tall, Dark & Handsome like the romantic novels described, or I wanted to experience being picked up by a stranger at a bar and having wild, uninhibited sex all night without a thought of what will be tomorrow or the days after, or maybe I just wanted to be somebody’s mistress without the stress of dirty socks, dirty underwear, cleaning house, having children underfoot and losing my size 10 figure with stretch marks to booth!(Geishas seem to have all the fun I tell ya! Hehehehe!) Maybe I would have enjoyed going on exotic holidays, meeting great people and making new friends while pretending that there are no strings attached when I know that in life every relationship comes with a ball of strings so thick it could tie you up for years…

There are many maybes, many secret fantasies and desires, many opportunities to look at life and love through the lens of right and wrong and decide to choose wrong sometimes while taking a chance that you’ll live to regret it! But still I’ve learnt that there is still time…..as long as there is life, the ability to laugh at oneself, the desire to pray and the bravery to love without condition…there is TIME!!!

Through it all God’s mercy has kept me even though I haven’t always deserved it but I’m proud to say that I’m human just like the rest of the world, with even crazier fantasies than most and finally able to shout out loud “Keep your judgments to yourselves people, ‘cos I can certainly do bad all by myself”

Women….Friends OR Enemies???

I have met a lot of women since I became separated from my spouse; tall ones, short ones, fat ones, slim ones (not many skinny ones though tee!hee!), plain ones but more often than not ‘carefully coiffed’ ones because in the country I live in our war paint and designer props are the masks that we wear in order to make ourselves appear to be just like everyone else (now that’s worrying but a blog for another day!) 😉

Anyway, these different women are perfect fodder for a writer at best times because watching them switch personalities depending on their location, their feelings or the company they keep is like a cross between a Hollywood and Nollywood movie on the best days. Still that is comic relief and definitely more enjoyable that what I call the ‘Cruel Treatment of Self to the Detriment of Ones Just Like Us’

I see women who have been hurt, some still hurting, some living through so much pain that they hug the hurt to bring them the comfort of the familiar because they are afraid of the emptiness if they let it go. Some hurt so bad and scarred on the inside that they become angry as the sore festers and the stench of defeat, the inability to go to the Healer, stokes the fires of anger that becomes guilt, then self condemnation, then envy, then jealousy, then the very thing that destroys…..HATRED! Hatred for other women who are hurting just like them but are ‘carefully coiffed’ so it looks like everything is okay; hatred enough to hurt them just because……..

Women can be our own worst enemies when all we need is the Healer to help us love ourselves enough to love others just like we are……just women!

Eat, Laugh, Love & Pray…….

I love sex….(Bet that shocks the fainthearted amongst you 🙂 )….but I love the sound of the sea clashing against large rocks, the warmth of a little baby as he falls asleep in your arms, turquoise skies and deep blue seas, the sudden darkness of rainy skies as the smell of rain fills the air…shared laughter and the beauty of sisterhood, green tea and ice s-cream!!! I love the sound of silence in Grecian temples, the sight of old priests dressed in black in silent worship…I like the feel of a warm bath after a hard day, the shuffling of children’s feet outside your door, whispering…..I love food, rich, velvety red wine, the silent anticipation within me as I wait to see what else God will do with me……I love life, its just that simple!………what do you love that ‘He’ knows but ‘he’ can’t see?

My Boudoir……(its more than a secret place)

It feels kind of strange; almost like buying a large chocolate chip cookie, getting an ornate jar with intricate designs in gold on a wrought iron mantelpiece too high to reach from just standing. For days you walk past and stare at it wondering when it will be time to sit in a quiet corner with a good book on a rainy day and just savor first the smell of it, then the taste of it and afterwards the quiet satisfaction of having waited for the right time…….hmmm…….that’s the definition of ‘Secrets’ for me and that quiet corner is ‘My Boudoir’……welcome to my Secret Place! (maybe yours too!)