It’s that time of the month so I’m having the blues and all I can think about is something a wise person once told me…..”writers are not made, nor are they born; writers are people who live on their recurrent moments of nostalgia and/or reminiscence and are able to share it with an audience they may never see….a true writer writes ‘truth from his/her soul’…in past, present or imagined future”
So today I’m sharing the blues with my unseen audience…..
Everything around me seems to disappear when i write; the feelings of being taken advantage of by everyone I love in the littlest ways that should be insignificant but are not….the hug my youngest gives me when she wants to ask me for something I may not ordinarily want to give but I’m willing to trade for the ‘feeling of being love’ that comes with that hug; the times when my son reminds me that he’s my only boy and as such the most important man in my life, which gives me the warmest feeling laced with dread for the time in the future when I’ll be duly replaced by the woman he truly loves (and I want that for him even though it scares me shitless!); the growing code of secrecy shared by my oldest two that gladdens my heart to see how close they are even though it shuts me out just because I’m Mama; the lover that needs you the most when he needs you but can’t seem to see you when it’s your need that’s greatest; the friend who calls with her heart breaking and just wants you to listen, oblivious off the tears that are coursing down your cheeks because you want to scream from your own pain within, professional contemporaries who ‘nicely’ request a favour but refuse to pay you when that request becomes revenue……..so I disappear…..and so I write to a bunch of people I can’t see, hoping that they can see me ‘just as I am’.
One of our greatest challenges as human beings is the inability to just be……be courageous, be scared, be ugly inside, be beautiful from within, be happy, be sad, fail, succeed, be anything, in anyway, to everyone without worrying about how they perceive you….. JUST Be!!! I don’t want to stop being nice because it’s who I am, I don’t want to stop giving of myself daily because it’s who i am, i don’t want to be constantly on guard just because the world always has a hidden agenda….I just want to Be!!!
I’m having a hormonal day with a cocktail of nostalgia mixed with reminiscence and a healthy dash of reality that feels like added Tabasco sauce to a Bloody Mary on a cold winter afternoon in Lake Como. Truth be told, I’m needing my baby’s hug, my son’s love, shared secrets with my oldest daughters, my lover’s attention that has no benefits to him, my friend to call just because she wants to see if I need to talk, my contemporaries to be honest when requests granted turn to revenue.
A member of my staff just walked in the door as I wrote and handed me a little boxed gift….a business cardholder….the rays of sun seeped through the window as he closed the door on his way out and I looked up at the ceiling and felt God smile, sharing the blues with me!
geishawives 